I had to upload one of my snail icons to protest the mistreatment of snails in this story. >:(

;P

Have you heard of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (https://www.bulwer-lytton.com/)? People write a bad opening sentence to an imaginary bad novel. This seems like something that would be right in your wheelhouse.